CONFERENCES GALORE!
Post your 25-30 word pitches right here, and I'll pick my top ten to crit more for you!
Post your 25-30 word pitches right here, and I'll pick my top ten to crit more for you!
With conferences just on the horizon, thought you might like a chance to bounce ideas off this noggin. So today and tomorrow, send me your email addy with a short pitch, and I'll connect with ten of you whose pitches hooked me to have a look at first chapters or first 5 pages, (no fantasy, sorry. I just don't get it and wouldn't be helping you) to help get you ready to pitch at conference. I'll also do a quick critique of your elevator pitch. Anything to help you get your foot in that editor's/agent's door this summer or fall.
So? Any takers? I'll also pick three folks to receive free books. One by my client, Rose Zediker, Wedding on the Rocks, and two of my books that released this spring.
SO IT'S A TWOFER!
GOTTA LOVE A TWOFER!
BE SURE THAT FIRST PAGE WOWS ME! CAUSE IF IT DOESN'T WOW ME IT PROBABLY WOW THAT 15 MINUTE APPT!
Come on, don't be shy. Shoot me your email addy and if you're one of the ten, then make sure I get your best! Don't send 5 pages of description and backstory, won't cut it! Get me to story and get me there quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
BTW, stop by Sharon Srock's site for a chance to win two of the books as well.
http://womenofvalleyview.blogspot.com/p/28-sep-terris-library-christmas-at.html
I'm a published author, with an agent, but I am taking part in the upcoming Happily Editor After appointments with LIH. I would love feedback, if I may?
ReplyDeleteYou bet, Darlene, shoot me a pitch to hook me and we'll see.
ReplyDeleteDo I just post the elevator pitch here on your blog or do I e-mail it to you?
ReplyDeleteMy question too
ReplyDeleteMine is the 100-word blurb LIH wants
Just post a short 25-30 word pitch on here and I'll pick the ten that hook me the most to critique. How's that sound?
ReplyDeleteWhen Anna Johnson picks up a hitchhiker on her way to a job she hates, she meant to assert her independence, not find true love. Seth Collier knows not all who wander are lost.
ReplyDeletenancykimball at hotmail dot com
This is my single-sentence pitch: When a mail order bride marries the wrong brother, can the jilted groom trust her sister?
ReplyDeleteOkay, this is tough. Summarizing a novel in 30 words. I'm afraid I could only get it down to 43 words, so I'll understand if I'm disqualified.
ReplyDeleteAmanda is pregnant and flees her abusive husband and masquerades as a widow. She intends to live a quiet life but finds herself falling in love with Michael. By the end, Amanda’s husband dies and she and Michael are free to be together.
Email: veronicaleighbooks[at]gmail[dot] com
Thanks for this opportunity.
Karla, carve it down to the essentials. Then you'll have it.
ReplyDeleteTHIS JUST MAY TURN INTO A MINI-WORKSHOP!!!!
ReplyDeleteOops. I didn't follow directions. Here's the 25-word one:
ReplyDeleteWhen Melnungeon girl, Flora Jean, is won in a card game by a steamboat sex trafficker, she is destined for the auction block in New Orleans. Can she escape the scorn of society and the lust of men?
Okay, it's a few words over. I need all the help you can give me, readers and Linda!
Nancy, I know you can give me more "meat" of what happens. Is she afraid to pick up the hitchhiker? I did once as a teen and was petrified after I stopped. What significance was there for her picking up a hitchhiker??? Gimme a bit more. Not more words, but more content. Why on earth did she stop?
ReplyDeleteYOU SAID SO VERY MUCH IN JUST 16 WORDS. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THE STORY'S GOING WITH JUST THIS MUCH. WELL DONE!!!
ReplyDeleteOKAY, A PITCH IS A STRONG HOOK. I DON'T EVEN NEED TO KNOW ALL OF THIS. HOW ABOUT CUTTING IT TO IT'S MAIN ESSENTIALS. WHAT CAN YOU WRITE THAT WILL MAKE A READER WANT TO GO ON? YOU DON'T NEED ALL OF IT, JUST ENOUGH TO TEASE THEM. GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY AND POST!
ReplyDeleteYou can carve a tad without changing content:
ReplyDeleteMelungeon girl Flora Jean, won in a card game between a sex trafficker and her father, is destined for auction. Can she escape society's scorn and the lust of men?
30 ON THE NOSE!
Yes! Thanks, Linda.
ReplyDeleteThe trick is to just get rid of details that won't mean anything at this point. Sometimes names aren't even necessary. You did this well. Everything is there but not bogged down in detail. This particular pitch would tell a romance reader right away just what the story's about and the twist and intrigue involved. This is very well done, Darlene.
ReplyDeleteAn innocent woman convicted of murder meets a reformed ex-con who’s out on parole. Either they work together to expose the truth, or die trying.
ReplyDeleteYou got it and spot on. The first line had me and the second had me by my ear pulling me around. Very well done. I'm a suspense NUT! (well, I'm a nut, period, but suspense really gets to me) So this really got my attention!
ReplyDeleteTricked into marrying the wrong man, a single mother has a choice to make. Stay with the man who tricked her, or become a pawn in another's selfish schemes?
ReplyDeleteamanda38401 at gmail dot com
Not bad. Suggestions, anyone? Amanda, I think you've got the basics down well. And enough of a hook to draw the person in. I just feel like there's something missing, and I can't tell what. Hmm, let me mull this one over a bit.
ReplyDeleteI'm good with that! Thanks for this, Linda! This was exactly what I needed today. :)
ReplyDeleteOkay, this one is the disqualified fantasy genre ... don't hate me.
ReplyDeleteThe hunted Feravolk are counting on a seventeen-year-old, dagger-wielding, storm-detecting orphan to save their race. Maybe they should have thought of that before they killed her family.
Would this one be better ~
ReplyDeleteTricked into marrying a man she doesn't love, a widowed mother has a choice to make. Can she trust God to do what's best for her, even when a terrible mistake has been made?
Ooh. Even a fantasy nut like me would give this book a look. :)
ReplyDeleteI told Sarah to include this. Anyone who reads fantasy who can help? I'll be honest, Sarah, you gave enough info that even as fantasy, I can tell you did a good hook! This, from my humble pov, is spot on! Great hook. Right amount of info. Well done. Anyone else with any feedback?
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I do like that one better. I think it captures a bit more of her angst. Yup!
ReplyDeleteNoted! Thank you for the guidance ~ I appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteCan I ask a question? I know staying away from too many unneeded details is good. In this case what if the "terrible mistake" is revealed. Would that add to the hook or give away too much of the story?
ReplyDeleteHere's what I mean: (and no, I have not read this story)
Tricked into marrying a man she doesn't love, a widowed mother has a choice to make. Can she trust God to do what's best for her, even if it means giving up true love, or dealing with an adulterous heart, or whatever the kicker is.
Yeah, not sure why, but it felt like there was just a little something extra there. Anyone else??? Thoughts?
ReplyDeleteI DO like that. It certainly gives a bit more punch to the hook! Especially the adulterous heart. Really pulls us into her heartache and struggle. Good point, Sarah!
ReplyDeleteOooh Sarah, you sparked it!
ReplyDeleteWhat about...
Tricked into marrying a man she doesn't love, a widowed mother has a choice to make. Can she trust God to do what's best for her, even if it means giving up the one her heart desires?
The only thing. It's over the 25-30 word limit. That's what gets me.
Well, thank you! I appreciate your humble pov. :)
ReplyDeleteSarah, I don't read fantasy, but I do have a question. Are the Feravolk the ones who killed her family or was it some other race like the ones who are hunting the Feravolk?
ReplyDeleteI really like Sarah's, but here's how you can shorten your version to 29 words:
ReplyDeleteTricked into marrying a man she doesn’t love, a widowed mother must choose to trust God to do what’s best, even if it means giving up her heart’s desire.
The Hatman and Macroy feud sparks when Samantha and Hank bump into each other. Upscale Chicago clashes with Montana rancher. Will a Romeo and Juliet hope heal their families?
ReplyDeleteAha! Thank you! You both made that look easy...and I'm over here scratching my head. ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Linda. Here's mine:
ReplyDeleteAn inner-city teacher on a mission to save a student falls for a successful entrepreneur who'll do anything to stay out of the poverty stricken 'hood he grew up in.
How does this grab you for a WWII historical:
ReplyDeleteThe short-short: What escape exists for a German aristocrat with American Jewish blood?
The elevator pitch:
American Jewish blood courses through a German aristocrat. A traitor to both armies, he must confess to his nation and his bride, or she and their child will bear another man’s name.
Amanda, if the pitch is confusing on that point I will surely take another look. I hope it says that the Feravolk killed her family. If you're asking if in the book the Feravolk actually killed her family I suppose I can say no ... but she thinks they did. ;)
ReplyDeleteThat's how I read it.
ReplyDeleteI assume the names are misspelled on purpose?
ReplyDeleteI love the short-short, but I find the elevator pitch confusing.
ReplyDeleteHi Linda!
ReplyDeleteThe following is my elevator pitch for my novel, Another Pretty Face. Thanks for offering this opportunity to our members.
ELEVATOR PITCH for Another Pretty Face
by Peggy Bennitt
An embittered journalist meets a hunky bodybuilder who isn’t what he seems, challenging her to face her biases, lost faith, and attraction to…Another Pretty Face.
Peggy Bennitt
bennitt49@yahoo.com
Sarah,your pitch is great! I don't think you need to change anything. I'd love to read it, and that's what you try to do with a pitch, right?
ReplyDeletePeggy Bennitt
Amen, Peggy!
ReplyDeleteI think the only word I'd leave out would be the word hope. Maybe if you switched that last to:
ReplyDeleteWill their Romeo and Juliet innocence heal their families? Or something like that. Not sure why that word hope doesn't seem to fit. Might be just me.
I think the only thing I might switch would be the word anything. Altho, my suggestion is just as generic.
ReplyDeleteI'd say ...who'll do whatever it takes to stay out of the poverty he grew up in. Got rid of stricken 'hood. Because poverty says it enough, I think. You've definitely defined the conflict well. Good one!
I have a call in to someone, but I think the word hunky might be passe for the most part. Just got the text back, hunky out, hottie still in. So maybe you could change to:
ReplyDeleteAn embittered journalist meets a hottie of a bodybuilder who isn’t what he seems, challenging her to face her biases, lost faith, and attraction to…Another Pretty Face.
Or:
An embittered journalist meets a bodybuilder who isn’t only the hottie that he seems, challenging her to face her biases, lost faith, and attraction to…Another Pretty Face.
But as for the pitch, I think it's very strong and covers what needs to be said to hook the reader. Anyone else with any ideas?
No, you've got it. I think just a tad of rearranging strengthened it a bit.
ReplyDeleteYeah, it read okay for me, too.
ReplyDeleteI see what Darlene means about the confusion. When he's first called American and then German it is confusing now that I reread it. How about:
ReplyDeleteJewish and American blood also course through a German aristocrat. A traitor to both armies, he must confess to his nation and his bride, or she will bear another man's name. (just be sure we know which nation he is actually from otherwise when you say his nation, is it American or German?)Not even sure you need to say and child. You just want to set up the conflict and that alone produces enough.
And for the short short:
ReplyDeleteWhat escape exists for a German aristocrat with American AND Jewish blood?
I think adding and adds to it a bit...
I like that. Thanks so much for your input!
ReplyDeleteYou bet. You really let us know what the tension will be, and that's awesome in a pitch. Well done. Anybody else with any thoughts?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your help, Darlene and Linda. The changes are great improvements. Just a word makes a big difference.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Linda
ReplyDeleteHi Linda,
ReplyDelete"God takes atheist editor, Helen Bancroft, up on her dare that her autobiography requires just a light edit to be heaven-worthy. Will she survive her own Red Pen Redemption?"
That's my hook for my Christmas novella, Red Pen Redemption.
Hi Linda,
ReplyDeleteHere's my elevator pitch for my supernatural suspense novel, Sunrise:
Teenager Parker Austin survived a mass tragedy, but can he survive a fight for his soul? With the help of his guardian angel, he's about to find out.
Scott J. Abel
scottjabel@yahoo.com
I love this one! I'm looking forward to reading it AND seeing the movie! :)
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm accepting this challenge :) Thanks for offering this contest.
ReplyDeleteHere's my pitch for my contemporary mainstream novel that I want to pitch this summer:
Sadie knows her boyfriend will kill her abusive mother, but what she doesn’t see coming is her dad getting trapped underground or God reaching to her and her family.
Elaine Stock
estock(at)fairpoint(dot)net
Okay, lets see... Amanda discovers something about herself that will change her life forever. She embarks on a journey, and learns that the God she thought had forgotten her, is still working in her life and that not all hope is lost.
ReplyDeleteThanks for letting me have another go!
veronicaleighbooks[at]gmail[dot]com
Rosanna's plan to create a secluded refuge for young ladies fleeing forced arranged marriages runs into a snag. She encounters a handsome neighbor, solves a mystery and restores a fortune.
ReplyDeleteSusan Karsten
ACFW Member
jksfamily5@gmail.com
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFaith-filled Melissa's goal to marry only another believer clashes with her wealthy father's scheme to enter the aristocracy. Two suitors vie for her hand - which one will prove faithful?
ReplyDeleteSusan Karsten
ACFW Member
jksfamily5@gmail.com
For social climber Eliyana Reed, First Colony placement means everything--until she falls in love with a prisoner sentenced to the Seventh.
ReplyDeleteSara Ella
saraellawrites@gmail.com
http://saraella.com
I've never pitched before but I have to learn sometime, right?
ReplyDeleteHere's my pitch for my current novel. Contemporary.
Title: Through the Raging Waters
Spring runoff hits Timber Springs while Melissa and Paul face tribulation of their own. A town in turmoil, love in jeopardy. Does God care? Will He calm the raging waters?
Renee Blare
rblare@yahoo.com
email: cscott36@juno.com
ReplyDeleteThis is really fun. Here you go...
ReplyDeleteJOURNEY BACK HOME:
Married over ten years, the Coopers’ share a passion for youth ministry. Tragedy strikes, an investigation begins. What will it take for either Jace or Simone to come back home?
clSwalwell@gmail.com
Thanks for this opportunity.
In Him,
Cheri :)
I agree, that's why this started turning into a pitch workshop, it got better! So glad it helped...
ReplyDeleteI'd lose the quotation marks; they just aren't needed. The only real change I'd look it would be the just a light edit, since I'm an anti-just person (even they I keep finding them in my own work-grrrr) How about:
ReplyDeleteGod takes atheist editor Helen BAncroft up on her dare that her autobio requires a mere edit to be heaven-worthy. Will she survive her own "Red Pen"? That's where I'd use the quot marks OR italics and end at pen. Makes for a cute play on words. Nicely done and I think it tells the short story it's supposed to.
Just a tiny twist will give it a tad more punch. I don't know what he's about to find out, but I'd hint at a bit more, that last line leaves me a big weak. The first is much better.
ReplyDeleteTeen Parker Austin survived a mass tragedy leaving him in a fight for his soul, but with the help of his guardian angel, he's ?? equipped for the fight...ready for the fight...pushing forward in the fight...he's channeling his inner energy...something like that???
Okay, I'd love a bit more about the father issue IF you're going to touch it at all. Something more commanding and less on God reaching her family. That is often understood for an inspirational so we don't HAVE to play that up as much. How about something like:
ReplyDeleteSadie knows her boyfriend will kill her abusive mother, but when her father gets trapped underground, only God can reach this family.
And it's even shorter! See how you can twist it around, make it flow quicker and to the point and actually say more? What's everybody else think?
Again, I think maybe just relying on the God aspect (and trust me, I do too) but, it's important to tell us a bit about the story. You did that better above, try a combo of the two.
ReplyDeleteEllie Lansing has a picture-perfect life, but her world is suddenly knocked off center when her drool-worthy boyfriend cheats, and her always-has-it-together mother is diagnosed with cancer. Will she find God's plan is worth the wait?
ReplyDeleteLaurajacksonwrites@gmail.com
PIECES of a LIFE: While true-love-didn't-wait Preston revamps his life, he falls for Maggie whose heart is set on a future white-wedding-dress wedding. Together they navigate the choppy waters of renewed abstinence.
ReplyDeleteBeth Steury
Young Adult Contemporary Realistic Christian Fiction
mbsteury@embarqmail.com
This is full of good stuff and conflict, but don't be redundant when you can avoid it. Ex, forced, arranged,
ReplyDeleteif it's forced, then it's obviously arranged and so you don't need to say it.
Rosanna's plan to create a secluded refuge for young ladies fleeing forced (or arranged) marriages runs into a snag when she encounters a handsome neighbor, a mystery, and a fortune restored.
If she's only willing to marry another believer, the first part isn't necessary. We know by the other comment that she's probably faith-filled. So start with
ReplyDeleteMelissa's goal to marry another believer clashes with her wealthy father's scheme to enter the aristocracy. Two different suitors view for her hand.
You've set up plenty of conflict. I'd just tighten it a bit. Nicely done.
OK, this sounds like fantasy, if it is, well done! Because I totally get the pitch. Very well written and you outline exactly what the conflict is going to be and very succinctly. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteIt's good, but a bit too literary for me, if that makes sense. I think you could use the words better to let me know what some of the tribulation and turmoil will be. The love in jeopardy is good, but what are they going to face? What is their conflict that they have to resolve? Make sense?
ReplyDeleteSuper start, by the way...
ReplyDeleteYes, ma'am! Spot on. You give me info about them and exactly what happens and a hint at further conflict. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Linda!
ReplyDeletePretty good, I'd tighten it a bit.
ReplyDeleteEllie Lansing has a seemingly perfect life until her drool-worthy boyfriend cheats and her always-has-it-together mother is diagnosed with cancer. Now she's waiting on God.
Or not the last line at all. We all know we're waiting on God and that it's the hardest part in life. I'd just tighten a tad.
Well done, by the way.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Linda! It's not a fantasy...dystopian YA, but with a Christian theme: grace. I know you don't do fantasy. Does this qualify for the two-fer contest?
ReplyDeleteI think that first sentence is a bit confusing. I had to keep reading it to realize what you were saying. I think...
ReplyDeleteAre you implying he was a player? If so, I'd just say that.While player Preston revamps his priorities, he falls for Maggie whose heart is set on a white wedding dress wedding. I'd switch the last line too. And maybe since it's YA, player won't work either. Not sure what the kids' word for player is. But I think I'd revamp this a bit. I'm not sure how to rewrite this one, either. I'm drawing a blank. But I'll "think on it" and get back with you.
Thanks! I appreciate your feedback.
ReplyDeleteIs eye-candy still used?
ReplyDeleteAn embittered journalist meets a bodybuilder who's not only eye-candy, but a sweet treat to her heart. Can she face her biases, lost faith, and attraction to...Another Pretty Face?
Peggy Bennitt
I want to play.
ReplyDeleteUnrequited in love, a devoted sibling and caregiver declares her heart at a masked ball... to the wrong man. Can this be righted with a widowed duke running from scandal?
Teen Parker Austin's idylic life shatters when he finds himself hunted and his soul in jeopardy. Can his alluring but renegade guardian angel help or seal his fate?
ReplyDeleteFor my WIP (a thriller)...
ReplyDeleteA spiritually scarred FBI agent pursues a serial killer who's using the Old Testament as his instruction manual.
tom@tomthreadgill.com
Here's another one:
ReplyDeleteA barrister seeking the truth to defend his best friend from charges of abduction finds it in his wife's hidden memories. Can love survive when all the scandals are exposed?
Ohhhh, you got me! This is spot on, to the point, and I have an idea right away where it might go. Love it, love it! Very succinct but with enough info.
ReplyDeleteVanessa, I'm just a tad confused about who and what...is it necessary for us to know she's a devoted sibling, because that confused it a bit for me.
ReplyDeleteWhat about, unrequited in love, a caregiver declares her heart at a masked ball...to the wrong man. Can this be righted....scandal? I think you need to drop the sibling part, but you could tell us a bit more. Up to you, not a bad pitch at all, but like I said, I was a little bit confused and had to reread. You don't ever want them to stop reading for any reason.
EVERY word has to count in a pitch. So I'd replace
ReplyDeleteit
...of abduction finds the answers in his wife's hidden memories. Even though it goes over one word, it's more clear.
I think this one is much better. Much more clear, and defines the conflict much better. Nicely done!
You are exactly right. The devoted sibling part has more to do with the sub-players and conflict in the story, but it is not necessary here. Never want to stumble someone or pull them out of the story.
ReplyDeleteYeah, this is a bit stronger. I did love mass tragedy however. In this societal atmosphere of mass tragedies, that really grabs a person's attention. So maybe a combo of both of these two.
ReplyDeleteYou've got it. Keeping them right on target is where you want them. Once you write and rewrite these, they get easier and shorter. You only want to grab the reader: hook 'em, pull 'em in, fillet 'em, and eat 'em in fried garlic butter before they know what hit 'em!
ReplyDeleteElevator pitch for: Unchained Hearts (HR)
ReplyDeleteAfter discovering she’s the daughter of a slave woman. Can Selena Barnard embrace Linden’s love and forgive her father’s betrayal, while helping others find freedom on the Underground Railroad?
shelfiky@aol.com
Thanks, Linda!
I don't think so, but the play on words is cute.
ReplyDeleteThis tells us exactly what we need to know. And you've set up the conflict well and all in a short pitch. Very well done, Michele.
ReplyDeleteA family of ten in big brown van - cluttered with stinky socks, rotting apples, and crumpled maps - hope to travel coast to coast without losing a kid or their sanity.
ReplyDeleteoops! forgot my email -
ReplyDeleteyvonblake@faithwriters.net
It so hard to make word count. LOL. Great advice.
ReplyDeleteAlrighty. Not very original, but maybe you can help. And THIS one isn't contemp. fiction. Purely romance. :)
ReplyDeleteNicole’s got everything she needs. Her daughter, a budding career, and a faltering faith in God. But God’s got other plans, including the one thing she doesn’t want—a man.
There's only so much I can get into 30 words. The synopsis is SO MUCH more telling. HELP! Anyone.
oops, I forgot. anna_karls_j@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteThank you, Linda. You made my day!
ReplyDeletevanessa @christianregeny .com
ReplyDeleteOh boy. That trip's gonna take a miracle or two. Looks like it could be a fun read.
ReplyDeletePitch for The Mulligan--women's fiction I am horrid at these but need to learn.
ReplyDeleteWhen a young artist takes her brother’s place on the golf circuit, will she save her family's dreams or find her own?
That's what I was thinking, this def looks like a fun read. And I think you really covered it all well, Yvonne. Let's carve it just a tad.
ReplyDeleteA family of ten in (a) big brown van - cluttered with stinky socks, rotting apples, and crumpled maps - hope to travel coast to coast without losing a kid or their sanity. Nope, just like it is, just add the (a)
perfect the way it is... love it!
Well, you got it in 30 words. Maybe streamline even more.
ReplyDeleteNicole’s got everything: a daughter, a budding career, a faltering faith in God. But, God’s got other plans, including the one thing she doesn’t want—a man.
I think the 'she needs' isn't necessary. You spell it out. But you could give us just a hint about the guy.
Terri, give us a hint at the conflict that will come. This is a good pitch, but tell us a tad more. Is it hard for her to take his place? Is there a rivalry that will give her grief? Just a smidge more!
ReplyDeleteAND BY THE WAY, EVERYBODY. I'm with you. I hate to write these. Absolutely hate to, but thanks all, I think I've learned more here today than all of you! Thanks! Reading, reading, and reading pitches you begin to see a pattern of what works well and what needs a tweak or two.
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda, I will work on it!
ReplyDeleteUgh... My mind is always filling in those little words when I proofread.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
How's this?
ReplyDeleteNicole’s got everything: a daughter, a budding career, a faltering faith. But, God’s got other plans, including one thing she doesn’t want—a man determined to challenge her isolated life.
Amanda discovers that she is pregnant and unable to allow her child to be raised in an abusive home, she journeys west and masquerades as a widow. When she begins to fall in love with the local blacksmith, she must choose between following her heart and doing what is right. The journey leads her to a hope that she never knew existed.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the help.
ReplyDeleteHere it is with a little more detail or maybe I've destroyed it! It might be too wordy.
ReplyDeleteTo salvage her father’s dreams for her injured brother, a young artist takes her twin’s place on the golf circuit only to discover her dreams need their own rescue.
Here's a simple way to put it.
ReplyDeleteA town on the brink of disaster. Can he come to terms with his past before the future falls apart?
This sounds very interesting. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this opportunity. Here you go:
ReplyDeleteWhen a conspiracy between an insurance company and a law firm nearly kills her grandmother, Lainey Williams is determined to expose it—even if it costs her own life.
Thanks again.
Jackie
joyfuljel(at)gmail(dot)com
Thanks, Linda. I was only using the quotes for the purpose of the comments section on the blog - just to differentiate my hook from the rest of my note, but I love your suggestions, especially ending at Pen.
ReplyDeleteHow's this:
ReplyDeletePreston, who didn’t wait for true love, falls hard for Maggie, whose heart is set on a white wedding dress wedding. Will he blow this chance to prove he’s changed?
Forgot to leave my email. lydiasusancrawford [at] gmail [dot] com.
ReplyDeleteTerry, this is so much better. I like this one! Now we have enough info to give us hints of what's to come and the conflict is more clear. I think it gives a great idea of what she'll be giving up to please her father. Great!
ReplyDeleteHow's this? Do you think it needs "without Jesus" or is that understood from the original?
ReplyDeleteGod takes an atheist editor up on her dare that her autobiography requires a mere edit to be heaven-worthy without Jesus. Will she survive her own "Red Pen"?
Much better. This gives us enough info and hints at the conflict. We aren't sure what kind of conflict, but it gives us a solid idea that we an expect it. Much better.
ReplyDeleteWell, your other one told us more. I liked the other one, you just needed to give us more than tribulation, what does that mean? And calming the raging water, again, it's beautiful writing, but what does it mean? We need more concrete ideas of what all this means. It's beautiful in its writing, but doesn't tell us enough. So, spring runoff is great, it actually tells us something that will happen in the story, now tell us more in the rest of it. Pitches need some 'meat' some actually details about what will happen. What I meant by literary was lovely writing, but no real meat to tell us what is going to happen. (I hope this helps, I tend to ramble, grrr)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think you're right. You probably don't need the without Jesus, but it's good either way. This reads well and def tells the reader where this is headed. Good one!
ReplyDeleteSooo much better. Maybe white wedding dress at her wedding. The two words wedding close together still reads funny, not sure why, but it sure wouldn't be a deal breaker for someone to understand the pitch. This is really spells out exactly what to expect and what the conflict is going to entail. Good rewrite.
ReplyDeleteJackie, this is good. It sets up the conflict, and then spells out what Lainey is going to face. Good job of giving us the problem she's going to encounter. Well done.
ReplyDeleteOh I love contests like these! Thanks for the opportunity, Linda!
ReplyDeleteSomeone's taken over a murdered hit man's final job, placing a small-town diner-owner as the target of a cartel leader's revenge.
marji.laine at gmail (dot) com
I think you covered everything here. Love it! Tells me all I'd want to know in a pitch. If I got picky, I'd say drop the hyphen in diner owner and the word as, then change placing to making:
ReplyDeleteSomeone's taken over a murdered hit man's final job, making a small-town diner owner the target of a cartel leader's revenge.
That didn't do much, but be picky. I love it! You put everything into these few short words and told us so much!
I so appreciate your input. I've been wondering about that hyphen. So glad I can take it out!
ReplyDeleteLinda, wow, I really like this. Thanks so much. Guess you qualify to win your own contest--LOL. You're really good at this. Sincerely, much appreciation to you.
ReplyDeleteLinda, you got me re-thinking this whole angle. Would this be any better, or does it fall flat?
ReplyDeleteWhen an abused teen’s hope rests on her mom’s murder, God’s mercy shows through a new friend, a grandmother’s courage, and her dad’s underground rescue.
Elaine Stock
estock(at)fairpoint(dot)net
PS- Thank you so much for taking time to read and comment on my pitch. It was my first one and your response truly boosted my confidence. I am new to the world of conferences and publishing. Is a dystopian considered part of the fantasy genre? If so, I didn't realize and apologize as I know the contest says "no fantasy".
ReplyDeleteElaine, I like this. You give enough info for the reader to get a bit of what will happen. Never be afraid to put it out there. If the reader of the pitch "gets what all will happen" that's okay. Editors and agents don't want to be "surprised", they want to know what all it's going to be about. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteNo, the only reason I usually say no spec of any kind is because I don't really read that much of it. So I didn't mind at all. I just don't want to give "bad" advice that might not be pertinent to someone's genre that I don't read. But I could tell this one was spot on. I'll be honest, I wouldn't mind having a peek. Sounds very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Linda. You have me smiling with hope :)
ReplyDeleteWow, Linda, may I just say you made my day? It is still a WIP, but my prayer is to have a presentable manuscript ready by the ACFW conference in September. I would absolutely love some professional feedback on my opening chapters. When I saw your contest announced on the ACFW loop a little voice inside my head said, "It can't hurt to put yourself out there." Now I'm glad I did:)
ReplyDeleteIs this any better?
ReplyDeleteSpring runoff hits with a force and sends Paul Fitzgerald into a tailspin. Tossed into the role of rescuer, he must face his past before his whole world falls apart.
I have another pitch, for a different story.
ReplyDeleteTwo people arrange a marriage for all the wrong reasons and fall in love for all the right ones. They learn the hard way that if you want to make God laugh, then tell Him your plans.
veronicaleighbooks[at]gmail[dot]com
Thanks for the help!
ReplyDeletelorisroel@verizon.net
ReplyDelete"Alienated by her Catholic-Protestant heritage, Gina Gallucci despairs of finding a place to belong, even at her hometown's canteen for World War Two servicemen in Dennison, Ohio."
ReplyDeleteKaren Wingate - karenawingate@gmail.com
wo people arrange a marriage for all the wrong reasons and fall in love for all the right ones. They learn the hard way that if you want to make God laugh, then tell Him your plans.
ReplyDeleteWhat are the reasons both right and wrong. What is the hard way mean? Try to avoid vague words unless you also combine them with details:
Two people arrange a marriage because of an unwanted pregnancy, then fall in love in spite of it. They learn through all their financial struggles if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans. Since I don't know your details, I just filled some in. But see what I mean?
Everybody, read Karen W's pitch. She could have said:
ReplyDeleteAlienated by her childhood faith, Gina G despairs of her life, even with her hometown pursuits.
But the details tell the story.
What was her heritage (CAth-prot) how does she despair (belonging) what is her setting, her ability to reach out?(the WWII canteen and two servicemen. DETAILS That actually tells us what's going to happen. She isn't vague about the details...she spells them out. Nicely done, Karen!
Thanks Linda!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your time, Linda!! Here's my pitch:
ReplyDeleteElla lived a simple, uneventful life in New America until everything she knew was shattered when an injured rebel leader appeared at her door in the middle of the night.
Christen-- thekrumms@gmail.com
Thanks, Linda. Now to come up with a catchy working title. Ugh. Nothing sounds good.
ReplyDelete:) thanks, Linda.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to take you up on your offer of a two-for. My email addy: carolmcclain@gmail.com. My elevator pitch is for an 80,000 word romantic comedy called Stilettos, Bassoons and the Next Door Neighbor.
ReplyDeleteLife is settled for a whimsical bassoonist, except her boss hates her. She’d rather perform than teach. Her fiancé loves another. Then Caleb moves next door. Unsettled suddenly looks good.
Thank you,
Carol McClain
Lizzy Jensen’s love life is as dead as the bones she unearths for a living, but could the concert pianist who’s interested in a family heirloom be Lizzy’s middle C?
ReplyDeletemarion.ueckermann@gmail.com
Thanks, Linda.
ReplyDeleteWow - these comments are great reading!
ReplyDeleteRenee, I went ahead and contacted you by email so we could toss this around.
ReplyDelete:):):)
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could give us a hint at the everything. Make each word count, everything doesn't tell us much. What is it that's shattered.
ReplyDeleteI think the only thing I'd put in is an "and". You have a bunch of choppy short sentences.
ReplyDeleteHow about:
Life is settle for a whimsical bassoonest, expet her boss hates her. She'd rather perform than teach and for fiance loves another. Then Caleb moves next door and unsettled suddenly looks good.
Maybe a word or so over, but I think you need to put it into a couple sentences, the fewer the better.
I love it. You might lose a couple non-musical people, but I think they'll get it. You give us plenty of info and conflict. I really like it!
ReplyDeleteOKAY, GUYS, WE'RE CLOSED TO MORE ENTRIES, BUT YOU CAN STILL LEAVE COMMENTS IF YOU'D LIKE. TOMORROW I'LL PICK TEN FOLKS AND THREE FOR FREE BOOKS. GOOD LUCK, BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL FOR SHARING. IF ANYONE EVER HAS ANY QUESTIONS, FEEL FREE TO SHOOT ME AN EMAIL AND I'D BE HAPPY TO HELP!!! THANKS AGAIN ALL FOR A GREAT LESSON IN PITCHES!
ReplyDeleteI know,Davalynn, right? What great pitches!
ReplyDeleteThank you for giving of your time, Linda.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea, Linda. I'll change the word.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, Darlene, the names were modified because it doesn't follow the historical story. It is a spin off.
It was fun, Lori. I think there are some great pitches here. Now, to find those that connect with me personally. That will take a bit longer. Busy morning ahead.
ReplyDeleteTHERE WERE SO MANY AWESOME PITCHES AND IDEA, BUT I THINK I NARROWED IT DOWN TO THESE TEN, THERE WERE A COUPLE OTHERS, BUT THEY ARE FRIENDS AND/OR CLIENTS WHO I'LL BE LOOKING AT THEIR CHAPTER ANYWAY, SO...HERE YOU GO!
ReplyDeleteLooking at first chapter or first 5 pgs (no more, please) for:
Colleen Scott, Scott Jabel, Elaine Stock, Sara Ella, Tom Threadgill, Vanessa, Michele Morris, Yvonne Blake, Jackie, and Marion. THERE WERE AMAZING PITCHES HERE AND WONDERFUL STORY IDEAS, BUT I ALWAYS TRUST MY GUT WHAT TO LOOK AT! SO WELL DONE, EVERYONE AND THE REWRITTEN PITCHES WERE REALLY GOOD!!!
Also, giving away free books to:
WEDDING ON THE ROCKS TO: Christen Krumm
WITH EYES OF LOVE TO: Renee Blare and ALWAYS, ABBY TO: Terri Tiffany
CONGRATS, EVERYONE. KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND WE'LL DO THIS AGAIN. SHARPEN THOSE PITCHES AND GET THEM READY FOR CONFERENCES!
Thanks, Linda. I'll get my five pages off to you this evening.
ReplyDelete