WOOHOO PITCH MONDAY…
Yup, it’s that time of year again when writers are working on their pitches and proposals for the conference season. CONFERENCES GALORE!
Post your 25-30 word pitches right here, and at the end of the day I'll pick my top five to crit more for you!
Post your 25-30 word pitches right here, and at the end of the day I'll pick my top five to crit more for you!
With conferences just on the horizon, thought you might like a chance to bounce ideas off this noggin. So today and tomorrow, send me your email addy with a short pitch, and
I'll connect with five of you whose pitches hooked me
to have a look at first 5 pages to help get you ready to pitch at conference. Anything to help you get your foot in that editor's/agent's door this summer or fall.
So? Any takers?
I'll also pick one person to receive a free book: Kate Breslin’s, For Such a Time.
SO IT'S A TWOFER!
GOTTA LOVE A TWOFER!
What does a good pitch look like? A PITCH IS A STRONG HOOK, a teaser, enough to make the reader drool a bit and want to read more. Look over the SIX below and see if you think the pitches are strong, weak, or could be a lot better with a few tweaks and twists:
1) A spiritually scarred FBI agent pursues a serial killer who's using the Old Testament as his instruction manual.
2) The hunted Feravolk are counting on a seventeen-year-old, dagger-wielding, storm-detecting orphan to save their race. Maybe they should have thought of that before they killed her family.
3) Will a girl find love in time or will she forever fight God’s grace?
4) Alienated by her Catholic-Protestant heritage, Gina Gallucci despairs of finding a place to belong, even at her hometown's canteen for World War Two servicemen in Dennison, Ohio.
5) An innocent woman convicted of murder meets a reformed ex-con who’s out on parole. Either they work together to expose the truth, or die trying.
6) With one day left before Jason is put to death, can she trust God with her plans and her pain?
SO TAKE A SHOT! LEAVE YOUR EMAIL ADDY AND YOUR PITCH IN THE COMMENTS BELOW. BE BRAVE…FOLKS WILL BE KIND BUT HELP EACH OTHER BY OFFERING SUGGESTIONS.
BE HONEST, BUT REMEMBER TO BE KIND EVEN WITH CRITICISM, ANYONE CAN YELL, “THAT’S HORRIBLE, YOU IDIOT!” J
Here is my pitch for my YA Historical, HIDDEN PLACES:
ReplyDelete"When Hanna begins her diary, life changes forever. Hiding Jews, to her boyfriend’s mysterious disappearance, to the Nazi’s destruction of her beloved Poland- her diary bears witness to it all."
My email address is: veronicaleighbooks@gmail.com
From the pitches above, 1, 4 and 5 appealed to me the most. There was just enough information to get me hooked, but not too much to give anything away. Obviously, any stories involving WWII (pitch 4) grabs me immediately. As for #1, I love the Old Testament and feel its often forgotten. Can't have the New without the Old. #5 piques my interest because I like stories where people who make mistakes or find themselves in difficult situations redeem themselves. #3 and #6 didn't have enough details, and #2 sounds like fantasy, which isn't my cup of tea.
Spot on, Veronica. 3 and 6 told the reader almost nothing. And I liked the pitch. I want to tighten it a bit, but I'm not sure what it needs. So I guess I'd leave it alone, but I'll mull it over today, anyway. Anyone else have any suggestions?
ReplyDeleteHi Veronica! Great start but I'm just a little confused about the diary. You've given it priority in your pitch, but I'm not clear on why. Is the diary key to the story, or merely the way Hanna records the events around her?
ReplyDeleteA lonely, practical woman inherits her deceased fiancé’s house, complete with acreage, furniture, and his bachelor cousin.
ReplyDeleteKarin, I love this one. Totally want to read on. You've got me right away!
ReplyDeleteGood question, maybe that's what it needs explaining. Couldn't put my finger on it.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as you added the bachelor cousin, I had to laugh. Boy, what a hook!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Linda, for this pitch opportunity. It's my first time ever...
ReplyDeleteWade prefers working alone, but finally accepts Arlene's offer of help with analyzing the list of suspects and clues. It's not just another murder Wade wants to prevent; he doesn't want to break Arlene's heart.
I liked #5 and Karin's pitch the best.
Blessings ~ Wendy ❀
I was all over bachelor cousin as well. Love it!
ReplyDeleteHi, Wendy. Nice start, but can you tell us something more about Wade and Arlene? Is Wade an annalist tech? Does he work for the FBI or is he out on his own? Is Arlene a reporter or a housekeeper? And why would her heart break? Is it because he has a way with the ladies and doesn't want her to fall for him? Or does he believe the murderer is someone close to her?
ReplyDeleteJust dig a little deeper. Give us the important details. I often use James Scott Bell's L.O.C.K. to create my pitches.
Lead- Who is your lead?
Objective- What does he want?
Conflict- What keeps him from getting it?
Knockout- (you don't really need for pitches)
So who is/are your leads?
Wade and Arlene (but who are they? A hardened detective and a fashionista blogger?)
What do they want?
To solve a murder
What is their conflict?
Hope this helps.
Veronica,
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued but like Tom said, I'm a little confused.
Does Hannah start her diary before the Nazi invasion or after? Is Hannah Jewish? Is her boyfriend?
Hi Linda,
ReplyDeleteThanks for this opportunity to practice my pitch.
Matt Jackson enters Rachel Taylor’s life the day she inherits her grandmother’s inn. He helps restore the place, and she falls for him until she discovers his devastating secret.
Of your examples, I like #1 the best. I love FBI stories, and the OT clues are an intriguing twist.
Bachelor cousin? What a great hook.
joyfuljelatgmaildotcom
Wasn't that a great pitch?! Love it.
ReplyDeleteGreat points, Christina!
ReplyDeleteI like Christina's questions. Really great ones. Answer those and we'll see where we go from there. Great start, Wendy.
ReplyDeleteJackie, I'm not even sure I'd mention Matt's name, though you can, but a new man entering her life leaves us a bit more up in the air. And can you tell us a tad more about the secret without giving anything away?
ReplyDeleteShoot me a short blurb and let's see what we can come up with.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all of your kind words. I learned from Mary Connealy - she had a post on Seekerville about writing a pitch and it really clicked for me. You can find it here: http://seekerville.blogspot.com/2011/09/lookin-for-strike-zone.html
ReplyDeleteThank you Christina and Linda for the helpful feedback. Pitching is hard to do with just 30ish words. The questions have helped me rethink my pitch. I hope it's okay that I'm posting a revised one? Here it goes...
ReplyDeleteA widowed, police officer leads his first homicide investigation hoping for a career breakthrough without breaking the heart of a flirtacious co-worker who wants his heart. He just wants to prevent another murder.
Blessings ~ Wendy ❀
I think my first post got eaten, Linda. Let's try again:
ReplyDeleteWhen a Wall Street executive is framed during America's final collapse and hunted by the U.S. Government, he runs toward a West that's gone wild again.
Oh, yeah! Simple, eye-catching and to the point.
ReplyDeleteYes!!! Wendy, you just got a fist pump from me. It could use a tad bit tightening, but you're on the right track. Maybe, ....who wants his heart when all he wants is to prevent another murder.
ReplyDeleteEric, I like! the wording in the last phrase is a little awkward, but that's just me. ... a West that's once again gone wild.
ReplyDeleteTry to leave your sentences on a strong word. Wild has more impact than again, and since it's the last word read you want your reader/listener to mull over the stronger word.
Connealy is awesome! All Seekers are. I've learned a lot from them.
ReplyDeleteHere's mine :)
ReplyDeleteAn old rival and impending tornado threaten to destroy a disabled bride’s dream wedding.
email...jenlhall63 (at) gmail (dot) com
I like number one the best from your examples...
I like that, Christina with the last word being the strongest.
ReplyDeleteJackie, I'm thinking on yours. One thing you could do is use stronger descriptive words like chaos, disrepair. When you write your manuscripts, even the smallest words like the and his count and need to be strategic. Same goes with your pitch. Make every word count and use the most effective words possible.
ReplyDeleteCan you tell us in a word (mountain, seaside, ghost town) where this inn is? What does it mean to her? Has she ever seen it? Did she spend her summers there or is this a grandma she never knew? Is the house somehow a picture of Matt Jackson (broken down, in need of restoration)?
I know these are a lot of questions and you only have 25-30 words, but I'm trying to get you to think outside the box a little. ;)
Nice, Jennifer. But I'd get into the specifics of the "disabled." Wheelchair bound or deaf, whatever the case may be. And drop the "impending" off the tornado. Bring that sucker on with the pitch!
ReplyDeleteWhen a Wall Street executive is framed and hunted by the government (I think US is understood here) during America's final collapse, he runs toward a West that's once again gone wild.
ReplyDeleteGood catch Christina. Funny I can remember that during Powerpoint presentations, but not in my pitch. I'll even forgive the "Eric." Had a pastor who called me that for six years. The reason I left the Methodist church.
ReplyDeleteI agree you should give us her disability. Let us know exactly what is happening. Super start, Jennifer.
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!! I don't even know where Eric came from. LOL! I am so sorry. I was more of a Larry Wilcox fan. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou know, I can look at other pitches all day and usually see the problem areas, but when it comes to writing my own it can take me weeks to perfect it.
I feel tension coming. I wonder if you could strengthen even more with something like "playboy bachelor cousin" or "womanizng bachelor cousin." But the ladies say it's good as is, so don't put too much weight on my advice.
ReplyDeleteNo problem, Christina. I usually tell people I'm Eric's better looking brother. Thaks for the tweak, Linda. That kinda rocks!
ReplyDeleteGreetings:
ReplyDeleteFor my romantic thriller, TAKEN FOR GOOD:
While awaiting trial for a murder she didn’t commit, Airyanna falls in love with a man who has taken her baby into the hands of a suspected cult.
Agreed, pitch #1 had the sharpest edge. Karin's 'bachelor cousin' says, 'Read me."
email: lou.morningside at outlook dot com
Christina, I agree with your tightening suggestion and have written it down--thank you. I'll include it in my query letter that I've been working on.
ReplyDeleteLinda, I just realized that I should leave an e-mail address (just in case) and not assume my link is enough.
Blessings ~ Wendy Macdonald ❀
purselanestudio@gmail.com
Hi Linda, here's a short blurb:
ReplyDeleteRachel Taylor inherits The Bye Way Inn the same day she meets Matt Jackson from Inn Possible. Together they battle an enraged cousin and ghosts from the past as they work to improve the inn. As Rachel and Matt work together they begin to care for each other until she discovers her estranged father hired him. Will she be able to forgive both men? Her father for abandoning her as a child, and Matt for keeping the truth a secret.
Thanks for looking at it.
Colonial preacher's daughter upsets the life of domineering British officer, and his children help her.
ReplyDeleteOops forgot email. Tjtrail7506@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI've enjoyed reading everyone's pitch and comments! This is a great learning experience. Here is mine...
ReplyDeleteMichelle immerses herself in her career to escape the tragedy of her family's murders, but when she becomes the hunted, her only hope may be to entrust her life into the care of a former terrorist.
Of the pitches above, 1, 4, and 5 appealed to me the most. The subject matter (suspense, spirituality, history) of those 3 pulled me in as did the tantalizing information provided--just enough!
Thanks for this opportunity for this "newbie" to interact with those of you that are more experienced!
katherinepasouratgmaildotcom
The only thing I'd change is a man to 'the' man. This is good and certainly grabs the reader's attention right away. You might even say, for a murder she swears she didn't commit, that leaves a bit more mystery as well. They the reader will have to dig more to find out whether she did or didn't.
ReplyDeleteWhile awaiting trial for a murder she swears she didn't commit, Airyanna falls in love with the man who has taken her baby into the hand of a suspected cult. How about that?
Tammy, how does she upset it? Give us a tad more detail. Great start!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat start, Katherine, but you can tighten that up. I'd lose the "immerses herself in her career." That won't hook anyone. What will (and did) is the rest of it: After her family is brutally murdered, Michelle's only hope for survival is found in the hands of a former terrorist.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise! I hope a romance ensues. You know, after stuff gets blown up.
To escape her family's murders, Michelle immerses herself in her career, but when she becomes the hunted, she must entrust her life to a former terrorist.
ReplyDeleteI cut a couple words that you really didn't need. Tragedy is understood unless the reader is heartless. This is really good.
Thank you Linda so much, Linda. I'm new and learning so much. I appreciate this wonderful opportunity to grow.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing the link Karin!
ReplyDeleteOooh, I like Ron's even better. Well said!
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I do like the 'hunted' in there.
ReplyDeleteHere's my updated pitch after reading your comments:
ReplyDeleteA young woman inherits the rundown seaside inn where she was raised. She begins caring for the businessman helping restore it until she discovers he harbors a secret about her father.
Does she openly know that he knows??? If so, you might"|:A young woman inherits the rundown inn where she was raised. She begins caring for the businessman helping restore it until she discovers his secret about her father.
ReplyDeleteLots better detail
ReplyDeleteOk, Linda. Let's try this one
ReplyDeleteAmateur spy Elaine Henderson ,a colonial preacher's daughter upsets the life of domineering officer John Tennant, and his children help her.
Is that better?
Thanks, Linda. No. The hero is the only one who knows the secret. When she discovers the secret, she tells him to leave.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your help!
What a fun opportunity, Linda! You've established a great environment for us to perfect this challenging skill!
ReplyDeleteHere's a pitch for my current WIP. Feel free to tear it up as you see fit. :)
Through the Pony Express, Josiah English meets the love of his life and sees their dream almost within reach - to raise Arabian horses. But when the Express ends suddenly and disaster strikes, will their love survive?
Amateur spy and colonial preacher's daughter upsets domineering officer John Tennant's life, and his children help her. I think works all right. Any extra little tidbit about his his life is upset?
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of disaster?
ReplyDeleteOk, how does this work?
ReplyDeleteAmateur spy and colonial preacher's daughter upset domineering officer John Tennant's life, and his children help her when they fall in love with Elaine.
Indians attack her family’s home and burn it to the ground, while the family hides in a dry well. They’re all safe but have lost everything. (This is a true historical event. Yikes!)
ReplyDeleteThrough the Pony Express, Josiah English meets his love (love of his life is a tad chiche) and with their dream of raising Arabian horses almost within reach, the Express ends and her family's home is attacked. Can their love survive?
ReplyDeleteAnyone else with any ideas?
That one sounded awesome. It grabbed me.
ReplyDeleteThe diary is Hanna's way of telling the events that occur around her. She begins it three years into the occupation of Poland (1942) and Hanna is not Jewish. Neither is her boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteGuess I got to find a way to smooth it out. Its so hard to find the right balance of information and not bombard the reader with too much.
Thank you for hosting this opportunity, Ms. Glaz. I always appreciate a chance to strengthen pitches. Here's mine for A Virtuous Ruby:
ReplyDeleteIn 1915 Georgia, fiery Ruby Bledsoe is a mixed-race midwife who despises passing-for-white Dr. Adam Morson, but they must work together to defeat his father and stop a lynching epidemic.
Thank you for any help you can give!
Oops, e-mail addy: huguleyriggins@hotmail.com Thank you!
ReplyDeleteWith the end of his Pony Express days in sight, Josiah English directs his attention to his love a woman and horses. After a devastating Indian attack they will need strength, faith, and courage to survive.
ReplyDeleteI don't know. It's just my humble attempt.
Thanks! How about "An old rival and a tornado warning threaten to destroy a wheelchair-bound bride's dream wedding." :)
ReplyDeleteI think I have worked the kinks out a bit. Let's try this one.
ReplyDeleteAmateur patriot spy throws a domineering British officer's life into chaos. H plays along with her game, until keeping her safe becomes more important than winning the war.
Thanks for letting me try again.
Thank you for the opportunity, Linda. Here's the pitch for my historical romance set in 1889 called THE RESCUE.
ReplyDeleteA Boston woman is betrothed to an abusive man when her childhood sweetheart returns as a cowboy. Will saying "I do" and escaping to Texas be enough to protect her?
tanyaeavenson@gmail.com
Thank you!
This one sounds great. I want to read it!
ReplyDeleteIt is hard, but you can do it. I think what you're missing is your definite Goal, motivation and conflict. Don't over think this. Just simply state what Hanna's goal is, why, and what keeps her from keeping that goal.
ReplyDeleteAs you have it written in your pitch, your story (subject) is the diary, but it doesn't have a goal or motivation. Hanna being your heroine should be the subject.
Since I don't know your story the following is only an example.
Ex: After making a promise to never forget her neighbors, a young polish woman begins keeping a diary of all the atrocities committed by the SS occupying her beloved Poland as well as where her friends have gone. When soldiers break down her door in search of her boyfriend, she must keep the diary safe or risk the lives of those she's helped to hide.
You have your goal-keeping a diary
You have motivation- to never forget
You have conflict-armed soldiers
The blurb is much stronger than the pitch. :)
ReplyDeleteJennifer, I think I like the original pitch better, just add wheelchair-bound instead of disabled.
ReplyDeleteNice! I think with Linda's suggestions it'll be spot on.
ReplyDelete:) I'm kind of partial to the first, but Misty, what will help me better is to know if this is an historical romance or straight historical?
ReplyDeleteHiya, Piper!!! OKay, here I'm going to ask you to go a little farther. It's a great pitch and eye-catching but I kind of wonder if we need to read what they're defeating his father at. Is his father trying to expose Morson?
ReplyDeleteTanya, I'm going to shoot this beginning out there to see if you can come up with something. Your pitch isn't bad, but I feel as if 'childhood sweetheart returns as a cowboy' is clunky.
ReplyDeleteBetrothed to an abusive man, a Bostonian socialite seeks refuge....
Also, you might consider writing it from his point of view to see if it's stronger.Ex: After setting up his ranch in Texas, Will returns for his childhood sweetheart only to find her betrothed to an abusive man. The only way to save her from certain tragedy is to kidnap her, but will Texas be far enough to protect her? (needs tightening but you get the picture)
Miss Tammy,
ReplyDeleteI like what you have here at the beginning and I do like the playing along with her game but I'm missing the children. But I love, love, love the until keeping her safe becomes more important than winning the war. Soooo....what if you did something like this......?
With the help of his children, amateur patriot spy throws a domineering British officer's life into chaos. He play along with her game, until ......
Maybe....?
Thank you, Miss Christina Rich. Will this do?
ReplyDeleteAmateur patriot spy, and his own children throw a domineering British officer's life into chaos. He plays her game, until keeping her safe is more important than winning the war.
How is that?
It's pretty late in the day so this might be too late, but here's mine for Midnight's Miracle:
ReplyDeleteSurviving the war had been enough ... until she reminded him about living. If only the secrets of his past didn't tear at the threads of his future.
E-mail is akaymclarenf2@yahoo.ca
:) Don't throw rotten apples at me, but 'and his own children' make it sound as if the children belong to the amateur patriot spy. ;)
ReplyDeleteAngela, I really like this one. It gives it enough intrigue to make me want to read more about the story.
ReplyDeleteVeronica,
ReplyDeleteHanna sounds more Jewish than Polish. Use Anna instead, a very popular Polish first name. Your pitch is generic, not specific enough.
Anna Labno
Or if you want to use Hanna, use Hania instead. That's how Polish people would write it and pronounce it.
ReplyDeleteAnna Labno
OH, I didn't think of that! LOL
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteKatherine, I like Ron's suggestions.
ReplyDeleteNo, Adam, who has not been raised with his father, finds out his father is behind the lynchings--which Ruby knows all along. She and the dad are enemies. Thanks for pointing that out Christina! Thank you for the kind words Veronica!
ReplyDeletePlaying catch up today. Google locked me out last night. It doesn't play nice with AOL.
ReplyDeleteSoccernut is me, Linda Glaz, guys. Now it's throwing me to an old account. Sorry for all the mix up. Will be trying today to fix this.
ReplyDeleteI guess I should mention this is historical romance.
ReplyDeleteThanks Christina! I'm glad you like it. :)
Test run to see if the name change worked.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused. What she passing as a male white doctor??? But then it says they must work together? Or is she having to pass for white and work with Dr. Morson? Maybe a punctuation issue? Sorry, I confuse easily. Can you reread and then resend?
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I still feel like something's missing. But I think the first one is better than my suggestion. Maybe beef up the word help from the children. how about:
ReplyDelete...his children conspire with her. Just fix the commas, whether you're going to use them around the names or not.
Christina you are def the pitch queen. I love it from his POV
ReplyDeleteThank you Linda, Ron and Christina! Your feedback is very helpful. This has been such a fun experience--I really appreciate your guidance. Wishing you all a great day and happy writing!
ReplyDeleteOh, I like, like the word conspire! Let me see what I can do with it. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThen you might add something like War Between the States, or Napoleon just a small descriptive to clarify that it is historical and not a contemporary.
ReplyDeleteVeronica. How about:
ReplyDeleteHanna begins a diary as her life changes. From hiding Jews, to her boyfriend’s mysterious disappearance, to the Nazi destruction of her beloved Poland- her diary bears witness to it all. Just little subtle changes, but I think you had it fairly well in the beginning.
LOL! Soccernut, huh? We coached, or I should say hubs coached, for years. Loved being a soccer mom.
ReplyDeleteEither would do, Tanya, but I do like Christina's suggestion better if she is in fact a socialite, if not, just stick with Boston or Bostonian woman. But it certainly pulls the reader in quicker.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely love this one!
ReplyDeleteIf I missed anyone, holler! Hopefully you all got some wonderful suggestions to head to the keyboard again and play with it. If any of you have any questions, feel free to contact me at lglazagain@aol.com and hopefully I'll have an answer.
ReplyDeleteOk, I thought of this.
ReplyDeleteBritish officer, John Tennant's life is turned upside down when a colonial preacher's free spirited daughter upsets his well ordered life. To make matters worse, his children conspire make the situation permanent.
How is that?
I agree, the warning doesn't sound as menacing for some reason.
ReplyDeleteOkay, closed for business, HOWEVER, Veronica, Karin, Tammy, Misty, and Piper, if you'd like to send me the synopsis, pitch, jacket blurb (if you have it) and first 5 pages I'd be happy to have a look at them.
ReplyDeleteANYONE ELSE, feel free to send the same, only the first page instead of five. I'd be happy to have a look so that you'll be ready for your appts at conferences!
Congratulations!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Linda!
ReplyDeleteBlogger has me locked out...again... this happens every couple months, so I can't post on the blog. Will contact all individually.
ReplyDeleteOkay, that sounds really good. Thank you for looking it over. :~)
ReplyDeleteYay, I am so excited!!! Thank you!!! Can't wait. :~)
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to thank everyone for all their comments, suggestions and critiques. I saved them all. God Bless!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Linda! I'll be in touch via email. :)
ReplyDeleteBut obviously not enough. ;) So the question is, what else does it need to really get you? (Or is it just because, comparatively, you have less information about what the story is about?)
ReplyDeleteI like Karin's pitch too, very much, but I have a question. If I'm reading her pitch correctly, it doesn't show a goal or motivation as Christina mentions. Is that important to have and could Karin strengthen her pitch even more by including the Lead's goal and motivation. I'm guessing the inheritance is an interruption to her life? So I think a current goal or motivation could be included in the description of the woman very easily.
ReplyDelete